Growing up my parents never really drank much. I remember my dad loved to drink a glass of wine and my mom never got much further than a glass of egg nog. And even that was on rare occassions. Birthdays and such. So I didn’t grow up around alcohol. My first drink was when I was 18 and went out for the first time. I wasn’t too impressed so I didn’t drink much after that.
When I was 20 I met my first boyfriend. What I didn’t know at the time was that he apparently had a bet going on with a friend that he would stay sober for a week. So little did I know when I fell head over heels in love that I was falling for an alcoholic.
He stayed sober for that week but then just as quickly progressed to being drunk most of the day. I was young and naive and had no idea about alcoholics in general or how that would work. But needless to say our relationship didn’t last long. A grand total of two months, which was frankly, long enough. But he did manage to give me a healthy understanding of the danger of alcohol.
Growing up
After that first encounter with an alcoholic I didn’t immediately throw out all my own alcohol. I mean I was young and was just discovering the joys of party life. But I have always had this inbuild sense of not wanting to drink too much. And quite frankly, after an x amount of wine or beer I just didn’t feel like it anymore. I did not enjoy the sensation that some people apparently like of being intoxicated. I always stopped drinking just before that happened. Which is boring to some people, but it felt good to me.
So consequently I became the sober friend who was handy to have around and to prevent my friends from doing crazy things while being drunk. Did I like being that person? No I did not, but it was ok and it was just the way things were at the time.
Dave
A few years later (after I had been in a relationship for three years with a psychopath… Yes, I did know how to pick m) I met Dave. We became friends with benefits. Even though he had a pretty nasty drinking habit as well. Again I was still being a little less naive maybe but I didn’t think people that drank too much alcohol where crazy. So Dave and I had a fun time. Which ended naturally when I met another boyfriend.
Dave ended not so well. He died of liver cancer, which supposedly was caused by his alcohol problem. I don’t know if that is true, as I had not been in contact with him after that period.
Next
Time went by and I met a really great guy which I ended up living with for 28 years. Alcohol was a thing in his family. The entire family on his mother’s side loved to drink. And not small glasses either. If we went there for a visit the glasses where usually filled to the brim.
T. loved to drink as well but at least for the first 20 years I didn’t see a really big problem. We did have the occassional argument about drinking. He always wanted to open that second bottle of wine in the weekend while I kept insisting that one bottle was enough. Due to my previous experiences in alcohol I was wary of anyone drinking too much on a regular basis.
So I kept being that annoying girlfriend who always thought he had enough. When it exactly went the wrong way I can’t tell you with entire accuracy. You know when you get that feeling that something might be wrong…? Well that was the feeling I had.
But when it all went sideways was after I came home from work and discovered T. behaving really drunk and slurring his speech. When I asked him if he had been drinking he kept telling me he didn’t drink anything. It got to the point where I said I would call a doctor. Because if he really hadn’t drank anything and behaved like that? Then there must be something seriously wrong.
We didn’t end up calling the doctor as I just knew he had been drinking but he kept insisting he didn’t. I was sick to my stomach and really worried.
The next day I went to a friend and explained her the whole situation. She had prior experience with alcohol as well (you’d be surprised to find out how many people do!) and she also told me it didn’t sound all that well.
Confession
That day after coming home T. confessed that he had indeed been drinking. He was sorry to have lied to me and promised to never do that again. But I was getting a bit suspicious. And on many occasion when I would come home I would think he had something to drink. Which – of course – he denied.
But it got worse and worse and I started getting more and more nervous. I wanted to talk to him but he kept telling me he didn’t drink. I started checking for bottles and such and at last I managed to catch him. He was stashing bottles in the attic upstairs (where he had his computer) and I found wine in water bottles and such. I confronted him with it and obviously he had no other option then to confess that he did indeed drink.
Change..
After that things started to be better for a little while, but sooner rather than later I found out he was drinking again. Not that he told me he had. He kept lying to me about it.
The moment I had had enough was on my birthday. I had a meeting with a friend earlier that morning and came home around lunch time. I had phoned T telling him I was on my way home and ready to celebrate my birthday. The minute I hang up the phone I knew things weren’t good.
I came home and he was really drunk. Of course again telling me he didn’t drink anything. After some arguing he came up with a story that he had gone to a bar close by and had a wine or two. We were having this discussion upstairs. So I turned around to go back downstairs. But just two steps down I turned around only to see him pouring himself another glass.
The end
That was it for me. I was so sick and tired of being lied to, having to deal with the result of that alcohol that I ended our relationship that night. We both cried and he knew – of course – that he had an issue. We did end things on good terms and are still good friends.
It did take another three years before he finally realized he had an issue with alcohol and had to do something about it. He got caught by the police while driving. He must have had around 2 to 3 bottles of wine as his alcohol level was pretty bad. So bad in fact that he lost his drivers license and as we speak (3 months later) he still has not regained it.
But he has been sober ever since. He goes to weekly AA meetings and finally owns up to everything he has done in the past and lied about the past. And it was even much worse than I had ever imagined. I hope he keeps it up but things are looking up for him. New job, he lost 16 kilo’s just from not drinking and taking better care of himself. He was lucky in a way. Things could have gone dramatically more wrong with that amount of alcohol and driving.
For me, I hardly drink anymore. I like the occasional glass of wine. I never had an issue with alcohol myself but the past years have made me even more aware that drinking is so toxic. Not only if you drink too much but there are soo many people who drink on a daily basis.
When I talk to people about T and how things are going I’m always surprised how many people have a similar story. Similar experiences. Which leads me to believe the issue is so much bigger than a lot of people think it is.
I wanted to share my story here to give a little background. Over the next weeks I will be sharing more on the effects of alcohol on our bodies and minds.
