Home » Diary of a kludge #3 – depression

Diary of a kludge #3 – depression

by Simone

Unbelievable that it is already February. Unbelievable that it has already been two months (today exactly) since disaster struck. Well, that may sound a bit exaggerated but it does feel that way.

And the days are stringing together; some better than others, but I don’t like it at all. All I see on Facebook are posts from people doing fun things, hiking, traveling, visiting events, having outings, while I am forced to do nothing. Yes the cast is off but no, I still can’t do anything.

Depression

And all the attention you then have in the beginning is also really gone after two months. People go on with their daily activities and that is logical, but also sometimes a bit lonely. Especially the weekends take forever. Tom works weekends, Friday through Sunday, and those are long, long days. He goes out the door as early as seven o’clock, only to end up back home at about eight in the evening. And I can get in the wheelchair, but yeah, what are you going to do? Drive around all day in the wheelchair? Remember I can only go around in the living room. Outside is a no go.

No. I can cook and take pictures myself, but after an hour or two I’m done with that too. Because taking pictures is really not what I want and neither is cooking. If you think you need something in the dish, chances are it’s just out of your reach.

And if you depend on a wheelchair you’d be surprised at how soon things are out of reach! These days we think (or try to think) in advance of what I might need and then we set that up. But believe me, you don’t fill 13 hours of the day with that. And then you go back to sitting in bed anyway, because that’s better than sitting in the chair. And so you just sit in that damn bed for ten hours or so at a time.

Bit of blogging, bit of reading, bit of watching TV, bit of doing exercises with my legs, but that too is limited.

My right ankle/foot is still numb on the bottom and that worries me. It actually feels continuously as if it is bandaged or stuck in very thick band-aids, when it is not. Probably the nerves are damaged and no, the doctors don’t know either if that will recover or not. After two months, that chance gets smaller and smaller.

Physio I don’t have yet; I hope to get the green light for that next week maybe, but it’s still a problem that I can’t have my right foot hanging down and thus can’t get on crutches. Or can try to get up the stairs. Or can try to take a shower. Or can try to sleep in my own bed (can’t do that anyway, because how the hell am I supposed to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night when I’m upstairs???).

And so every once in a while I just get completely fed up with it. Like right now. Can you guys tell? Haha… And the idea that I am not finished with this for a long, long, long time yet. Because if I’m lucky I’ll hear in the beginning of March that I can start putting weight on the right side, but what does that mean in practice? No way I’ll be up and running right away. Because those muscles are not used to anything anymore. Of course I do the exercises but that’s not the same as walking every day and doing the things you normally do. Not to mention the shattered joint.

And all this time …. You start thinking things you’d rather not think about; will I ever be able to drive again? (Sure, with an adapted car, but who’s going to pay for it?) Will I ever be able to walk normally again? Or will I ever be able to go on an adventurous vacation? Walk through the jungle? Or well the list of things I used to do that are now suddenly at risk is quite endless. Will life still be fun soon?

Well, either way, it’s not fun now. 🙁

And then I promise I’ll laugh again tomorrow, ok?

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About me

Hi, I'm Simone

Hi, I'm Simone

Welcome to my site. I am a health coach, food photographer and food blogger who loves nothing more then to show you that healthy living is not as complicated as you might think

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